Coupling and Relationships (men)

man group 2

Men are self-defining. Each is comprised of their own examples, lessons, thoughts and feelings that conspire toward his definition of man and is expressed by each man in an infinite number of ways, some shared some not. Until a man is comfortable in the embrace of his own definition of himself as a man he is in an evolutionary growth pattern overtly subject to constant comparison of himself to other men. His father and the quality of that relationship is the impetus to all that follows. Attention and awareness of that relationship is vitally important to the man that is becoming.

As this relates to coupling and relationships, many men use their relationships to define themselves as men. Shaped and crafted in a way best representing himself to the world, and mainly the opposite sex. This manipulation of self affords some men multiple opportunities at supporting his own male identity: sexually, socially, professionally and familial.

The biggest issue existing between men and women has, and will always be, communication. We simply don’t speak the same language. Further, I have an entire books worth of energy-based theory related to coupling which may be appropriate in this space but has the potential to overwhelm this brief post. How’s that for a teaser?

Perhaps personal perspective or point of view shared by many men: we do’nt want women that think like men, thanks Steve Harvey for misinforming countless women. Men benefit from the differences in how women think when they respect the woman doing the thinking.

Onward to the impetus that inspired this post.

Men are privileged to their own motivations, conscious or unconscious, of those things that drive us. There are further degrees to the level of drive deployed and expressed.

Some men are driven by the conquest. The easy prey require less drive or degree of difficulty, while the rarer or more exclusive prey demonstrate a man’s skill, cunning, and willingness to exude the effort and confidence necessary to conquer. The conquests are fewer and rejections increased. The conquest more sweet. 

Some men look to be cared for, economically or emotionally. The foundation or genesis is found in his mother-son relationship. As has been stated in the Oedipus Complex men desire their mother’s love. Some attain that love immediately and throughout their lives. Other men find throughout their lives a mother’s love as fleeting, tied to his compliance, or simply not attainable.  The search is for someone who is reminiscent of his mothers love for him: be it expressed positively or negatively. Not open to the judgments of others.  

Some men benefit socially and/or professionally from the women they involve themselves with. The woman becomes a major part of the image he is trying to create and project to the world. Many will read that as negative. Consider this: we each have an idea, an image, of what we desire within the content of that picture called family. This man is driven by that content almost to the degree of another fitting correctly.

Sadly enough many men objectify women, some consciously, others unconsciously. Hard to imagine anyone could see a person, their partner, in the same way he sees the new wheels on his beloved Mustang. These men view women as trinkets and baubles to possess. Objectification typically is indicative of a man fearful or hesitant to connect emotionally. A woman may have experienced being with this type of successful, material-laden man, but feeling no deep connection with him emotionally. There are many root causes to this affect in men.

 All men desire to be respected, needed, wanted (personally and sexually) and represented by his woman. Respect means she agrees and honors his choices and lifestyle. Needed is indicative of a man understanding what he means within the context of the relationship and while demand may vary knowing where he fits into her life is required. We all want to be wanted. Wanting is tied to value, value aligned with fulfillment. Men wanted to be wanted in the same degree they want the woman to want them. Every man understands his woman represents him and his household, whether they be together or not. The way she moves in the world, socially and professionally informs the world of who she is superficially and her martial status before ever speaking a word. Awareness of these qualities aren’t to be used, they’re for awareness and understanding.

Any attempts to use or manipulated these qualities have the potential to become a burden when falsely ascribed to. To use or manipulate sets the foundation for resentments to invade a couples relationship. No one enjoys a magicians trick when they become part of the deception. 

Open honest engagement minimizes the negative turns that occur in every relationship when either learns they’ve been manipulated, their desires using heartfelt, held close to the vest information seemingly against them.

Spiritual Family Guidance is dedicated to enhancing the quality in relationships. Pre-marital counseling, Blended Family Counseling, Troubled Relationship, Divorce Preparation Counseling and Mediation are all available services offered. Call today for an in-office consultation: Dr. Richard Flannigan 404-246-3467 or

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