It is with hesitation, almost trepidation, I write this follow-up or part 2 to a previous submission. What Ive become increasingly aware of, I think Ive always known, is the highly emotional, very personal and often hurtful thoughts and feelings the subject of girls reared without a strong bond and presence in their lives from/with their fathers.
The experience for many, certainly not all, is pervasive. The relationship, or lack there of, becomes the blueprint for every relationship that follows. The pervasive nature that exists resides below the surface in the shadows of the unconscious mind. For those seeking more empirical data to this phenomenon see Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, specifically the 2nd tier we all as social and developing beings need for Safety and Security.
For girls growing through the scenario of no emotional relationship with their fathers insecurity, longing and negative self-perceptions persist. These self-defining attitudes (beliefs) often manifest as poor judgement in men, repeated potentially dangerous situations and often radiate to the free world feelings of abject desperation. Like a radio signal broadcast across the airwaves, these girls grow to become women who may accomplish great things in their respective professional lives yet always struggle in relationships with men.
Perhaps found deep in the shadows of the psyche is the normalizing of rejection, so much so the experience bears repeating over and over and over again. After-all if in her very being she wasnt good enough to garner her father’s unconditional love, what man will? Without innate feelings of safety and security as a pillar for healthy relationships many of these women move about the world accepting relationships that cement the always present feelings of unworthiness. She experiences poor male-female relationships because all male-female relationships are just that, poor, unhealthy, insensitive and always reaffirming feelings of not being safe and always insecure. The re-creation of these feelings throughout multiple relationships solidifies the belief first given breath by the absent fathers. What these women know, despite what their hearts tell them, despite what is seen in other peoples relationships, in spite of what is desired in the conscious mind (frontal lobe) and independent of every self-help, dating, think like a man book, website and newsletter ingested is men dont stay, never commit, struggle to bond and always leave persists. The shorter version of that multi-comma’ed statement is “I’m just not good enough to be loved”
I know, I’ll remove the dangerous emotionality from my next relationships and base them on education, sex, material or religious equal yoking and accept as normal the superficiality of relationships. At the very least I know where I stand. I maintain control over my hurt (heart) because I refuse to connect emotionally. When he leaves, because they always leave, I wont be hurt because Ive controlled any sense of emotional vulnerability. If he cheats, when he leaves, they always leave, he’ll walk away from the beautiful home we’ve created, the dual income we share, the tax benefit of filing as a couple and in many cases the intimate relationship with his children. That’s what I control and I will never surrender that control for something as frivolous as love.
You cant change an issue without acknowledging the problem (in my best Dr Phil voice) or as quoted by the previously mentioned Abraham Maslow: “What is necessary for change is to change one’s awareness of themselves” Self-awareness is hard, personal and requires great courage.
What is true. What needs to brought to the forefront of every abandoned girl’s thoughts and feelings is what you believe to be true as normal is wrong. You are worthy of love and being loved unconditionally. Unconditional love brings with it vulnerability, chance, trust and the internalized knowing of self-worth. Not in your possessions or things, not in your academic accomplishments, not in your career or 401K benefits. In YOU. You, have as a birthright the pre-ordained right to be loved unconditionally for who you are. Just YOU. The Spirit of YOU, the essence of YOU, the whole and complete perfect ideal of YOU. Does any of this mean your next relationship will be perfect and life-long? Absolutely not, there are no guarantees in love or relationships. All men are not bad, just know all men arent for you.
Absent fathers dont often know the damage they do to little girls. Absent fathers dont always know the missed opportunity for their own completeness. Women can realize their own wholeness by acknowledging the failure of their absent father as his issue. In doing the “work” to acknowledge how the absent fathers issue has taken up residence in the psyche of abandoned women only wanting to be loved and not knowing what being loved looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like or even really exists.
Fatherlessness is real. Fatherlessness is an epidemic. Fatherlessness can be resolved.
See Spiritual Family Guidance to begin your road to recovery.